I know a lot of people consider the "C" word a horrible word, but cancer to me has been a horrible "C" word - far worse than any other you might be thinking of. Chemotherapy is also a "C" word I am not that fond of. Way back in June when I had no clue what the path ahead was holding for me I had no gauge of what treatment felt like or what I would be going through. There is so much in the news and media slamming this treatment and honestly until you are sitting on the other side of a diagnosis you have no say in how you feel about the topic - that's my opinion anyways. All I knew was that I had two kids that I wanted to see grow up and had an oncologist that I literally trusted with my life. Now in saying all of that, this was not something that I was looking forward to for even a second. The morning I woke up for my first treatment, I felt the struggle between mind and body pushing myself to get into the car and go. There are so many different types of chemotherapy and everyone handles it so differently that a side effect list is really ineffective because it could be all, it could be none or somewhere in between. I had a very aggressive treatment and I felt like I could have added to the side effect list. Apparently when you cut me open and put me back together I bounce back pretty good, this is not true with chemo. It did a number on me and I didn't function very well at all. As I got hooked up for my first treatment and was handed some pills that were to help with nausea, I noticed other patients talking and laughing with the person that brought them. There was a lady beside me that was on her last treatment that had her family there talking about the lunch they were all going out to to celebrate. My mind relaxed a little and as I looked at Becca, my mom and my sister and felt like we would have a nice visit over the next four hours. About 20 minutes after the nurse left I started to feel sweaty and nauseous. It's all in my head I thought, look at everyone else sitting up perfectly fine, I am just nervous and I just have to not focus on it. Becca looked at me kinda funny as I was trying to follow along in the conversation, "Are you ok?" she asked. No, no I wasn't. "I think I'm going to be sick," people move pretty fast when you tell them you are going to throw up. I ended up not throwing up, but the nurse came back over and checked me out giving me that little football pill as they call it to calm down the nausea. Usually people don't feel overly sick on this kind, she said. Well, what I have learned is with this mop of red hair on my head, is that I am not usual. I have been called complicated as they avoid using the word difficult by most of my doctors. Each treatment was the same while I was at the hospital getting my treatment and the days after had their own challenges. Vaporizing my cannabis and using the oil helped for treatments two and three but the week after treatment was still hard. The week following my first treatment I had a friend stop by to see how I was doing - he was talking to me and my brain was so foggy I didn't know what he was saying. Becca came out to stay with me one weekend and I felt horrible because I was in bed most of the day. I went out to lay on the couch to be involved in what her and my daughter were talking about. I have a clear memory of her talking to me and I couldn't make out what she was saying. I could hear her voice but it was just sounds to me, no words. I don't know if I was just that tired or if the chemo brain fog was that bad. I just went back to bed to try and sleep it off. Another bizarre thing that would happen when I was at treatment was, I would slur my words and I couldn't make sentences. It was like I was drunk and knew what I was trying to say but my mouth was not having it. As I look back over what I can remember, I am anxious to be starting again in a little over a week and fretting over what I am going to feel like this time. The treatment I will be getting is different, less aggressive and one less medication but all the fears are still there. As my last scan shows there is no cancer that they can see, these treatments are to deal with what they might not be able to see. There are some people that opt out but I feel like I have done everything I can do to get rid of this stupid fucking cancer up to this point why would I not do what I can to make sure it is gone! I have talked it over with my support team and the plan is to take one treatment at a time and assess after each one making sure the pros out weigh the cons. I think because I went into it not knowing what to expect the first time, it was actually easier than going into this now knowing. My hair has started to grow back, I am starting to feel good again and I, for whatever reason, feel like in some way it's a backwards step. I have been "strong", whatever that really means, for so many months that I am second guessing myself that I can be strong again throughout this. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and hope that bell I get to ring is at the end of this step. I have warned everyone including the nurses at the cancer centre that I might not be ringing it as much as pulling it off the wall. If not, Melinda bought me the perfect gift for Christmas - a poop emoji pinata that I will be beating the shit out of at my Fuck Cancer party!!! Each step of this journey has been a mind trip and this one isn't any different. I always find that the limbo weeks leading up to the next step is the hardest - instead of being able to deal with something, I am left to my own devices and given time to think. I am a over thinker so that usually doesn't help when I have down time. I know when this next steps starts, I will deal with what is handed to me and again have the support every step of the way.
2 Comments
Doreen Knapp
3/16/2017 09:40:35 am
Amy, you are incredible. Your blogs are so very interesting. You are one strong lady.. your family must be so proud of you. By the way, you look wonderful with your short gorgeous red hair. Always thought you were a beautiful young lady but with that short hair you look fantastic. Keep on improving, everyone is cheering for you.
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Marsha Thake
3/16/2017 01:30:39 pm
As I've mentioned before, ...you are such a wonderful "inspiration" Amy!! 🤗 🌟💫 I wish everyone who is going through a cancer battle, could read your blogs!
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Amy WickendenMy journey as a Wicked Little Redhead. What life with cancer has taught me and how it has made me laugh! Archives
April 2017
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