I would say one of the things I find the most frustrating are the days I just don't feel good for no reason. There have been so many days where I haven't felt good for very good reasons whether it was the days after surgery or the week after a chemotherapy treatment. I know what is coming in those days, I plan for them by having food in the fridge, cleaning the house and not scheduling anything so I don't have to cancel an obligation. So when the days hits when, I know everyone has, I wake up with a headache or just feel shitty all over I am immediately frustrated, and way more than I probably should be. These are the days I have to tell myself to give myself a break, realize what my body and mind have just been through as well as realize that a busy day before is still going to kick my ass a little. As I feel my energy start picking up on good weeks I start thinking I can go full tilt like I did before, I have that glimpse of "normal" me and don't take into consideration I am still healing and going through treatments.
The days or weeks I build up in my head as my "good weeks" are why I think I get so frustrated with low grade headaches or over all blah feelings. I hold on to those days to get through the foreseen crappy ones, laying in bed with exhaustion and brain fog thinking next week I will feel better. I get so pissy that I shouldn't feel like this because I put my dues in the week before to feel good this week. I am completely aware of how logically irrational that is. Feeling off because of whatever outward factors is going to happen but I still have my self pity party moments where I can be like a small child with my hands on my hips and frowning that it's not fair.
It's these throw off moments where I have to take a deep breath and not give into them, where I actively and even out loud sometimes, have to tell myself it's fine it's just a headache, have a bath, take some Tylenol, calm down. In the grand scheme of things these moments and days seem silly but I think it's the accumulative of these moments that start to add up and wear my patience down. I know that as treatment ends and all I have left to do is heal, these days will be fewer and far between, that I can plan my Saturdays and Friday nights again and I won't have to assess every move I make as over doing it or not.
These concepts even after a year are still foreign to me, I refuse to truly believe it's me feeling like this. I am not sure how much it makes sense but I feel like if I don't get frustrated with these feeling and I am accepting of them then I will give in to them and be ok that this is what I have become. I don't want to ever feel for one second that this will continue, this is a blimp in my life where I had to deal with something but is not even close to who I am. I refuse to settle into the fact that I might be a person with lower energy or someone who doesn't feel good. Fuck that, the treatments are almost over and I will be on my path to have full energy again and to the health I am use to! The only thing I have to keep reminding myself is to not overdo it right out of the gate because knowing me, I will bust out like I think I am 20 years old again fall flat on my face, pick myself up realize how stupid it was to do that. Its ok though because I have enough people around me to also tell me how stupid it is and brush me off so I can keep going.